hope this works

So I have heard from a few people now that this helps so here I am. I have never really been one to journal or write my thoughts down. I think the closest I have come is music. But as of late i feel like things in my brain are changing. I used to be known as happy Dave who is always smiling and joking and for a while now i don't feel the same. Basically my life is changing and I am growing up. It doesn't mean that when you grow up that everything get's bad and negative, but for me, in this process there are some key elements that as I uncover, things are getting hard for me. There have been some more recent discoveries about my life that have really been tearing me up. I got a few panic attacks and recently I had one that was really hard to get past. I felt like everything was bad in the world and that i was just going to die and fade into nothingness. Turns out I didn't die, but my body was bringing out some stuff. So here is the stuff that I am having a hard time with:
In this whole crazy process I realized that as I am growing into adulthood, the things that served as foundations were not as permanent as I thought they might be. As i looked towards these foundations, I began to have expectations. Now as things are changing for me and my expectations are not turning out, i feel confused. I feel like these things are not actually foundations which is creating two things in my mind. One is that I am growing into a more mature foundation which is a good thing I think. The second is that this transition is really hard. I am in a weird middle ground where i feel like i don't really have any foundations right now and I feel lost. I feel really edgy all the time, i have anxiety about things going sour even in the smallest situations, and I feel nervous all the time. It sucks. I feel like i didn't even know that this would ever happen or else I would have tried my hardest to change a lot earlier. BUt here I am.
So think how I really feel is this weird sense of being alone. Sure logically I know that God is here and that I have Cait and friends and family who love me...but deep down it doesn't satisfy the foundation part. I think my biggest struggle here is with God.