I didn't like the other title so now it's just called thinking

In this whole mix mash of life that is happening within me, part of my journey has included shaking my understanding of God. Let me put it this way...I feel as though I am learning for the first time to have a relationship with God through Jesus as opposed to being part of the Christians. I feel like I have to learn how to believe. Part of my panic lately has included a sense of nothingness. Doubt and fear have really come up a lot lately and I feel as though my thoughts have given me a glimpse of what it would be like if God didn't exist. Simple to write, probably meaningless to others, but for me, it is one of the worst things I could imagine. Along side this timeline of change in my life, coincides a timeline of breaking down to the fundamentals of my beliefs. Follow me here. In this last year, along with my life changes, I have really begun to get into the depths of what I really believe in. Conversations on God and community and spirituality over this last year have really reached deep into my mind and heart and raised a lot of important questions of understanding for me in terms of God and I. So here we have again another foundation that is being broken down and even shaken. Something that is new for me and breeds thought that is not only important for maturity, but also thoughts filled with doubt and fear about if I truly believe. It's hard to admit but it is in me. The reason why I am writing right now though is because I just had a thought and I want to play it out and see where it goes. I was just freaking out again about my beliefs and if I truly believe. I have thought a lot lately about the bible and God's purpose for it. The more I study and discuss, the more I am realizing how God lives through it. Overall I am beginning to see how maybe God gave us the bible for the same reasons he gave us each other...in order that we might walk with him as we search for him together. This is cool, but a hard realization as well. Along with this realization has come this fear that maybe we made it all up. When I was younger (like 16 years old) and first started to believe, I thought that the bible was a piece of mystical writing that God magically came down and wrote for us, and if we read the bible and said we would do everything in it, then we would win the prize in the end. That's a poor depiction but the idea is that I had a very innocent idea about what it meant to be a Christian. And i liked the comfort in it. It was easy. This whole philosophical journey is making it so much harder. But here is where I feel as though I veered: I have spent so much time thinking about God the deity and his role in the universe and his almighty power that I think I forgot about Jesus. Furthermore, I think I may have robbed myself of an intimate knowing of Jesus through things like getting to know the scriptures. Now, I make mention of the scriptures not because we as Christians are supposed to read the bible, or that if I read the scriptures that I'll be doing my duty; I now see that there is an opportunity to learn more and grow a relationship with Jesus by reading about him and getting to know him through those who walked with him. Man how I forgot about Jesus. Here it is...imagine trying to fathom true nothingness. Seriously try. It's hard. Almost impossible. But what little we can gain is scary (at least for me). That's what i think has been happening with my search to understand the big God. Like...Creator God. That is a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around. In the end I don't think that human minds can really ever truly understand entirely the idea of nothingness. But we have been afforded the ability of partial understanding, which is enough to feel a bit of its weight. That weight is heavy for me. The same goes for God. I have been working hard to wrap my mind around God the deity. God the concept. I don't think that I can ever truly get it. The tricky part though, is that in my attempt, I have mistaken my lack of understanding as the possibility of it not existing at all. What I think I forgot is that God afforded us Jesus so that we could fully get the picture. Seems simple yes but it hits heavy when it hits deep understanding. My realization now is that in order to start understanding God, I will need to work towards knowing Jesus really. I mean seriously and intimately knowing Jesus.